This may come as a shock, but I’m not a beauty person. Yes, I like doing my nails- but that’s about it. Makeup frustrates me and makes my face itch, my hair is lucky if I do more than brush and air dry it and I give literally zero fucks about my feet being ‘sandal ready’.
Maybe it’s because I have no sense of personal shame when it comes to my lack of style. Maybe it’s because I’m in a long term relationship where we’ve reached the ‘get fat and do nothing but watch netflix together’ stage. Maybe it’s because the one time I did get a professional pedicure, I got a super painful ingrown toenail as a result. Perhaps it’s because during a completely unrelated conversation, my dear mother gazed in the direction of my feet and remarked, “It’s a good thing you never wanted to be a foot model- you definitely got your feet from your dad’s side of the family.” #rude #whoaskedyou #momhonesty
Whatever the reason, I’ve never taken an interest in making sure any dry skin was removed prior to airing these monsters out in public in sandals. Which I do often- it pretty much has to be snowing for me to not be in flip flops and even then if I just need to run to the mailbox I will heavily debate whether I need to wear actual shoes or not.
However, about ten years ago or so I was cursed (a witch probably didn’t get her invite to my 1st birthday or something, idk) with a plantar wart on the bottom of my foot. I always knew it was there and it hurt when I walked but for many years I didn’t know what it was- you see, during my late teenage years I had an unfortunate incident where I ran through a glass door. It’s a long story- less me being blind and not seeing the door and more me not knowing my own lady hulk-like strength and trying to push open a glass storm door (that unbeknownst to me was locked) while running. I ended up with cuts all over the place and raised scars in a few places where I think there was probably a small piece of glass inside when the skin finally healed over.
For years I was under the impression that was what it was until one night I was in the rabbit hole of wikipedia and discovered what a plantar wart was. Not wanting to be a witch, I immediately set about attempts to remove it. I tried the duct tape method, the apple cider vinegar method, freezing, salicylic acid, etc. I even used sharp objects (and my freakishly high pain tolerance) and attempted to perform ‘surgery’ on myself a few times (do not try this at home, kids). Although some things seemed to somewhat affect it, nothing worked to remove it entirely. What did happen was a lot of hard, dead skin built up on top and around the edges and using a pumice stone or regular foot file didn’t really help bring it down at all.
So, when I saw this review of the Microplane Foot File I decided to pick one up. At $8.49 and free shipping, I figured I didn’t have much to lose. When it arrived, I was a little scared at first- it does straight up look like a cheese grater! I actually have a scar on my thumb from where I repeatedly cut myself with a cheese grater while making nachos as a kid so it was a little terrifying for me.
The directions say to only use it on dry feet which makes it really convenient to use. I first tried it out on my non-monster foot because I did have a bit of redness around the heel. Now, most bloggers are classy and/or trying to avoid foot fetishists so they wouldn’t show you a photo of their feet in a review like this. But y’all already know how I roll. (Downhill, and/or fresh from the oven with a little bit of butter). I kept at it after taking these photos but wanted to show how much difference there was after ONLY 3 SWIPES OF THE FILE. This thing is serious. And it didn’t hurt!
I won’t show you my warty foot (I have SOME standards people, jeez) but I also had awesome results there- after just a few swipes, ALL the thick, hard dead skin was gone. I did get a little overzealous and cut myself with it just a tiny bit (the instructions do say not to use it with any inflammation or open wounds on your feet but whateva, I do what I want), so just be careful about the pressure you’re applying if you are being a rebel and not following the instructions like me.
P.S. I know this is really kind of a gross post but I really liked this file and I wanted to write it and frankly- I haven’t had a lot of fun with blogging lately so LET ME INDULGE MY GROSS SIDE FOR NOW PLEASE. And really my wart is like the size of a pencil eraser (not even) so I may be exaggerating here a little about my monster feet but I have a complex, thanks mom. Also, since it seems my wart is here to stay for awhile, should I name it? LEAVE YOUR NAME SUGGESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS. OKAY BYE